WHAT?! Are you outraged? How could someone who’s supposed to represent healthy living eat f**king garbage? GMOs, factory farms, trans fats, general shittiness all around!
In fact, all through my nutrition program I hid my shame from most of my classmates. I would hit the McDonald’s drive-thru on my way to school and wolf it down on the ride there, making sure to hide the wrappers in case anyone were to peer into my car. Then in class we would learn how deep-fried foods are as damaging to your body as smoking is. Some days I’d bring a green smoothie to school, or some homemade healthy snack. Those days I felt like I fit in. But I also felt like a hypocrite.
More often than not, at nights I would binge drink because it was the easiest, fastest way to relieve stress. Stress over what?
I had just gone through a painful break-up, instigated by me. Being alone and cut off from my then ex was enough for me to want to numb the pain. Then there was school. My first three attempts at post-secondary education ended up with me quitting because I got overwhelmed easily. It was usually a scholarly paper that got me so anxious that I’d rather drop the course than write the damn paper. I was also working two part time jobs while in school, and felt like I never had enough time to study. I did have the time. I just chose to drink instead.
Maybe I should back this up and give you a little more context.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder 7 years ago, 5 of which I took Effexor. After a few years on it, I felt it didn’t really do much more than dull my emotions. I was still depressed. So I weaned off. Three times. I won’t go into the nightmare that was Effexor withdrawal… perhaps a story for another post!
I’ve been anti-depressant-free for nearly two years now. But I self-medicate with alcohol, Benadryl and junk food (formerly weed too, but I can’t use it anymore without getting anxious). The use tends to happen in spurts. I’m well aware of what I’m doing to myself! I feel horrible about it all, which contributes to the downward spiral.
Anyhoo! I’m not writing this to elicit sympathy or be a sob story. I’m doing this because the world needs to know that I’m not perfect, and that I’m trying, and that we’re all trying. I’m learning to be kinder to myself, as if I were my own nutrition client. I also want to be accountable to you, my audience. I’m likely not the only nutritionist who binge drinks and goes to McDonald’s too often. But through my searches I haven’t found one who’s gone public on the interwebs about it. If you are out there, my brethren, join me in freeing your conscience!
Time to wrap this up (like the spicy chicken wrap I had at KFC…) *nervous laughter*